Something or someone controlling…

     Control is akin [like, similar, parallel] to being in bondage [oppressed, burdened] to that which controls. The person or thing that controls attempts to dominate [take over, rule, govern, dictate] thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and actions. Control tells us what, when, where, and how, but not why. The why is “Because, I said so!” “Because, it feels good!” Control gives a false sense of 

power. But, there is never enough power. So, when false power wears off control mandates more.

     We might think of control as domestic violence:  damage [slamming doors, punching walls, breaking things, kicking the dog], and physical harm [pinching, slapping, pushing hitting, biting, and more]. Or, child abuse:  physical abuse or depravation [failure to provide safe housing, nutrition, appropriate rest, education], molestation [inappropriate sexual innuendoes and touch] or incest [all types of sex, including pornography and exploitation]. And, elderly abuse:  taking advantage of an elderly person’s weakness [infirmity], financially [defrauding], verbal abusing [for fun or to satisfy some old offense], or physically, even sexually abusing an elderly person’s incapacitated [injured or debilitated] body. All three of these abuses are against the law. If you have knowledge of any one of these abuses report it immediately to the authorities. Usually, in the front part of your telephone book there is a list to whom you would report each of these abuses.

     Control in this article is non-abusive. It’s mental and emotional, such as:  mind games and manipulation, ridicule and embarrassment, intimidation and subtle pressures. It can develop into withholding affection from a loved one, becoming distant and aloof [indifferent and disinterested].

The word Control means:  to curb, moderate, contain

                                           to govern, regulate, order, limit

                                           to handle or manipulate [bait]

                                           to ride, nag, tantalize, taunt, tease

                                           to command, dominate, and master something or someone.

     If we are controlling we try to diminish another’s thoughts, and restrict their feelings. Covertly [concealed, below the surface] we will lead and override the other person’s behaviors. The objective is to regulate and limit those around us, so we will not feel out-of-control inside.

“I hate that I can’t control.

I hate being vulnerable and helpless.

I don’t like feeling uncomfortable or being in emotional pain.

I get sick of having to detach and surrender.

I must admit the truth…I am powerless over much in life…when I try to have power…

I have none, I get crazy…” 

Control can be perfectionism:  Asking someone to do something, then follow them, redoing to our standard. This insults the one who originally performed the request.

Control is knowing better:  Stating what’s best for the other person because, ‘I know what’s right for you.’ This robs that person of their identity, it discounts their decisions.

Control disregards feelings:  Statements like: “You don’t feel that way!” “Stop your crying!” This humiliates a person (especially a child), causing them to stuff feelings.  

Control attempts to manage outcomes:  Makes plans for others without conferring with them. Covertly, though not asked, manipulates someone’s appearance, or project, their ideas. They influence another’s beliefs. It is somewhat similar to brain washing, used in cults and some cultures.

Control doesn’t listen:  it is busy thinking up its own answer to promote or defend itself. This makes the one controlling the center of life. All others must revolve around him/her.

“I can’t control others, no matter how much I want to,

no mater how much better I think I know what’s right for them.

I can’t control what others do, think, or feel, whether or how they choose to grow and change,  whether or when they recover…”

     Being controlled is the same as controlling another only its happening to you. Following are a couple of types of being controlled:

Religious control = the use of religious rules and regulations, legalism to keep someone in line. This type of control dominates others by misusing Scripture for the controller’s gain. They will use the Word of God, such as ‘submission,’ to dictate [order and command]. They do not allow a person to think for themselves. They do not allow a person to make decisions for themselves. They slowly attempt to undermine a person’s God given free will and free choice.  

Authoritative control = is akin to religious control, though it refers to a professional who exploits their client, the consumer. The objective is to take advantage of someone’s finances, mind, or body. A solicitor manipulates money via the telephone or internet. A salesman convinces one to buy an over-priced product. A doctor makes intimate suggestions, or sexually touches their patient.

Parental control = robs the identity of a child, preventing them to think for themselves. It makes the child either dependent or defiant. Parental control diminishes the child’s ability to problem solve and become a solution thinker. It means the parent has all the answers and all the power. The child/adolescent has no voice. The parent might say:  ‘you are not the adult’ then, ‘you are not a child’ breeding confusion. This leaves the adolescent with no fit, a loss of belonging. Or the parent says, ‘look at all we do for you’ then, ‘this is my house, my car, my…’ breeding resentment and internalized shame.

     Being controlled means being influenced via guilt, causing self-blame and remorse [regret, ‘I am bad‘]. The person controlled senses limits, feels restricted, and confined. It stunts mental/emotional growth. As outlined above, the one who is controlling endeavors to overpower the other so as to numb out-of-control feelings within the controller. But remember. There is never enough power, and when the power wears off more control is required.

Control causes chaos:  This person only knows how to feel normal when causing chaos [commotion,

confusion, turmoil, unruly, pandemonium]. Chaos is a continuum, they have lived a life of crisis’s. This type of control numbs fears and anxieties. It most likely mimic one’s childhood or, long term trauma such as war.   

Control withdraws:  This person isolates and abandons, causing loved ones to attempt to draw out  

the isolationist. This results in loved ones abandoning their lives for the isolationist.

Sometimes I can’t control myself.

I’m powerless over the backlog of feelings and negative beliefs I’ve accumulated….

When I try to control myself by rigidly repressing my thoughts and feelings, I lose myself,

I fall deeper into the pit of myself and the morass of (control) and codependency…”

There are substances and behaviors that control. Do you spend time thinking about, performing or procuring, and recovering (physical or emotional hangover) from = work achievement and success, academic philosophies intellectualizing, computer internet videos TV, anger resentment bitterness rage, materialism spending to keep up with others overspending (credit card debit) hoarding, approval seeking people pleasing, rescuing others from their consequences, caretaking doing for others why they can do for themselves, repeated toxic (damaging, hurtful) relationships, dependence on another, appearances cosmetics and surgeries clothes, perfectionism must’s should’s have to’s scrutinizing structuring organizing everything has to be in its place, food over or under eating (anorexic, bulimia), exercising, sex pornography and such, alcohol, drugs legal and illegal, smoking, gambling lotto.  

“It puts me under the influence of what I’m trying to control…I lose touch with myself…”

In the Bible control is akin to idolatry, worshipping something or someone. It is our sin or flesh nature attempting to cover up, satisfy, or injure our inner-eternal man. Only a relationship with Jesus, not religion, can reveal, please, make happy, heal, fulfill, and set free my soul.

Some Solutions Romans 7.14, 15; 1 Corinthians 8.2:

1.  realization = like a detective or researcher face the facts:  Do you control or allow control? 

2.  acknowledge = daily journal how you control or allow control:  accept your part in the cycle.

3.  confess [admit, own up, declare] = to God, to yourself and to another safe [available, confidential]

                                                                person who can relate, and encourage you. 

“…I can’t control people, places, and things…

when I try to control other people, I make them and myself crazy…

when I try to control what others think of me, I turn into a puppet on a string.

 I’m powerless over results, life circumstances and events

I cannot control the course of relationships…”  author unknown

4. change = a daily decision takes effort, needs support, but is painful [like withdrawals], yet freeing:

                   a. surrender to Christ’s help first thing in the morning Psalm 5.1-3; Psalms 143.10-11

                   b. let others do, feel, and think for themselves Matthew 7.1-5; 2 Corinthians 3.5                   

                   c. avoid that which, or those who, control you [change friends and hangouts] Psalm 118.8-9

                   d. fill loneliness with people who support, and encourage your recovery

                       2 Thessalonians 2.15; Hebrews10.25