Exhausted Helping Others
By Gayle Hoone
Check out the article by Cathy on Codependency, then come back for some more knowledge. A note of interest, gaining knowledge does not mean we are wise. Wisdom is the application of knowledge that means utilizing and employing it daily.
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Often people can’t say ‘no’. Guilt, fear, and compulsive desires to please give up stewardship of our own lives. We may look like we are being helpful to The Lord, when attempting to meet the needs wishes and demands of others, but, in essence we are unable to set our own limits. This causes us intense confusion, anxiety, and frustration which leaks out on others.[1] Without understanding separateness, we lack God’s individual purpose[e] [aim, course, objective] for our life. Hence, we gain a course [path, direction] of living that bankrupts us for others. We seek the favor of man, and become man-pleasers.[f] This sabotages other’s growth and debilitates their, and our, dependency on God. Ironically we end up feeling controlled by those we tried to help.
"Just as Jesus allows others to make destructive decisions for themselves, we have to
accept the reality that we aren’t strong enough, nor do we have the right, to take
responsibility for others…” Only in “…tragedies, crisis, and losses that befall…others…”
are we to come along side “As best we can…we are to help one another with these boulders.[2]
Doing so is practically the definition of brotherly love and pleases God greatly.”
John Townsend, Ph.D. Developing Family Values, Learning to Set Boundaries. Moody Press, Chicago,
Ill., 1991, pg. 195.
Additionally, we cannot hear ‘yes.’ It is not ok [reasonable, acceptable, satisfactory] for us to have a need, an essential for comfort, support, encouragement. Any need we have produces guilt. Guilt generates fear, emotional fears of abandonment and rejection. Therefore, we cannot, nor do we ask God for what we need. We have unlimited to no boundaries, an incomplete or inadequate sense of our own natural limitations. We cannot, or do not know how to honor our God given boundaries.
“I [The Lord] place the sand for the boundary of the sea,
a perpetual barrier beyond which it cannot pass and by an everlasting ordinance
beyond which it cannot go…yet they cannot prevail
[against the feeble grains of sand which God has ordained by nature
to be sufficient for HIS purpose]…cannot pass over that [barrier]…”
Jeremiah 5.22 [Amp.]
“The heart of the problem of ownership is responsibility, determining what is and is not mine. It is failing to take appropriate ownership within appropriate boundaries. Part of what hinders us from doing so is a reliance on myths about God, others, and ourselves. There are boundary confusions about God:
1. HE should always say yes.
2. HE is responsible to keep me from suffering loss.
3. HE expects me to love HIM and others without being responsible for my own legitimate
God-given needs.
Boundary confusion about others:
4. If I say no to others, I’m being selfish.
5. I am indispensable to the needs of others.
6. My happiness is the responsibility of someone else in my life.
Boundary confusion about ourselves:
7. If I am needy, I am bad.
8. If I love, I should be loved in return.
9. My life is not my responsibility.”[3]
Recovery requires healthy separateness, combined with appropriate boundaries. This perpetuates [effects, enables, continues] emotional intimacy [familiarity, closeness, understanding, confidence]. That is, intimacy with God, and with who HE made each of us to be. Then there can be true relating, and vulnerability, with no inner emotional turmoil when differences or conflicts [g]occur amid family, or with or among others.
A prime way to gain healthy boundaries, and separateness, is to skillfully learn how to use the word ‘no,’ and ‘yes’ without fear or guilt. Saying ‘no,’ and ‘yes’ is like developing a muscle. It involves practice, and time to gain the necessary experience. The ability to say ‘no’ and ‘yes,’ with acceptance, begins in childhood, when emotional intimacies of bonding and trusting are developed.
Bonding: guarantees = assurances fulfilling conditions - builds security within
knotting = a binding element that unites - emotional links & ties to others
adherences = builds unity, togetherness - adhesive & cohesion with family members
contracts = agreements between family members - gains covenant perception
Trusting: combination of interlocking, interdependence = interconnects, knits relationally
assurance of character = builds confidence, dependence, faith, reliance
guarding, preserving = keeps safe & instills care (nurtures)
When one has an internalized sense of bond and trust they’re rooted [embedded, ingrained] in love, and acceptance. They are secure, linked to, cohesive with God, in Covenant [league, confederacy, promise] with HIM, and interconnected to their God created identity. They can say “no” to others and “yes” to their needs. This is not selfish nor self-centeredness. It is protection from internalizing scolding, reprimands, punishments, reprisals. Note, healthy families model and teach, encourage and praise, and recompense and reward, they do not scold, etc. Bond and trust prevent soul wounds. Children grow up endued [undivided, protected, skilled] with honor[h] and security.[i]
During the innocence stages of life injuries to bond and trust capacities, and capabilities can occur. What evolves is a limited to no substance of inner security or confidence. As a result, the following will transpire [take place, become apparent]:
a. Fusion or enmeshment = If boundaries are low, and there is a high sense of bonding or
attachment, enmeshment [entangled, entrapped] or fusion [synthesis, blending, mixing] transpire.
Because there is no separate identity, this person becomes lost, or consumed by, or with another
person. When differences of opinion, or normal degrees of conflict occur, these deny their own
rights and accept improper punishment.[j]
b. Isolation = This person has high boundaries, but low bonding abilities. They appear to be very
much in charge of their life, and have a well developed ability to say no. But, they have no ability
to form deep emotional attachments. Thus, they emotionally wither [dry up, decline] from lack of
normal inter-relational connections with others,[k] pursuing work as a means of comfort.
c. Chaos = a result of low boundaries and minimal bounding abilities. This person is the most
injured in both attachment (bonding), and separateness [personal identity]. They are neither
connected nor self-directed. They feel lost in relation to others, and to themselves. They
experience a spiritual and relational vacuum. They seek, but are unable to form deep attachments
to God, their identity, or another. The results are extreme: problems with delayed gratification
[alcohol, drugs, food, materialism, sex and other idolatries]; and have difficulty taking responsibility
for themselves.[4] [1]
Recovery: Developing a healthy bond and trust begins the process that challenges and changes three basic characteristics:
1. Objectivity means impartial, unbiased or unprejudiced beliefs.
The hard drive of our mind, the basic thinking or beliefs are filled with distorted realities (daydreaming), and views (exaggerations):
She did that just to hurt me!
I wonder what he meant by that!
I’m the reason they did that!
Nobody likes me!
I feel ill at ease, and clumsy in new situations.
Result: Worry = love: this person has learned to filter out, or repress unpleasant truths, they defend the
wrongdoer by making excuses for him or her to their own bankruptcy.
Recovery requires collecting and accepting factual data, like an investigator at a crime scene. The investigation pinpoints the literal rather than perceptions, distortions of thought, challenging warped beliefs. Factual data aids in identifying unhealthy maybe‘s, probably‘s, suppose’s, the assumptions, and guesses we make to satisfy unanswered questions, and to numb uncomfortable or hurt feelings. Fittingly restate the facts, such as: I am not the reason for what others do. I am not responsible for others, nor what they do. I am responsible to take my hurts to The Lord [Exodus 15.26] for healing.
2. Responsibility means conscientious, dependable, responsible, truthful. The inner need is to be loved. Being needed means being loved. Therefore, this person satisfies love-need by being responsible [dependable, reliable, sensible, duty, task, in charge] for others. This is called the savior syndrome. Being overly-responsible produces [manufactures, constructs, fabricates, generates] a false guilt, “I’m never enough [sufficient, adequate],” meaning ‘I am a failure at being a savior.’ Thus, the person thinks they have failed. They compensate by taking on more and more responsibilities. The result is loss of personal identity. This loss drives them further to be, do, and feel what they think others want them to be, do, and feel. Consequently, they intermingle [mix, blend, combine, fuse] in other’s lives causing irrational, relational conflict. They think:
If he is angry, it must be my fault.
If she is sad, I must have done something to her.
If she is afraid, I need to comfort and protect her.
If he is happy, I must have helped him.
Years of over-responsibility develops their beliefs:
I can do no wrong.
I can rescue everyone.
And, years of over-responsibility shapes creed:
If someone has a need, I’ll meet it.
If a need doesn’t exist, I’ll find one, and then I’ll meet it.
If a small need exists, I’ll make it a larger one.
Even if nobody wants help, I’ll help anyway.
I’ll feel even better when I meet someone‘s need.
When I’ve helped, I’ll finally feel good about myself.
Results: Self worth = performance + others opinions. Life is based on perceiving the views and needs of others. If one cannot perform for another they do not have value. So, they must keep mind reading [perceiving] and performing based on perceptions. This results in relational conflict. The conflict perpetuates more and more performance to compensate for the inner need to be loved. The consequences: physical, mental/emotional exhaustion.
Recovery: The belief: “He made me feel [think and believe, experience, suffer, undergo]…” People usually are unaware of their own feelings [mind-set, thoughts, ways of thinking], and emotions [sentiment, sensation, passion]. Recovery obligates them to reeducate themselves by identifying their own, not someone else’s, feelings and emotions. To begin, journal daily situations, and personal reactions. Identify your own behaviors. This can be problematic because of the ties [joined, attached, fixed, united] to other’s feelings/emotions. From your journal begin to look at a situation as your would look at a video in slow motion, frame by frame. In a detached, non-judgmental manner:
1. Getting your eyes off others.
2. Identify your own preceding and post-behaviors.
3. Recognize your own beliefs about your self in the situation.
4. Aided by “The Feeling Wheel,”[5] identify your feelings/emotions before,
during, and after the incident.
Our actions directly correlate [associate, link, connect] to our feelings/emotions. By this four step process, your investigation connects behaviors with your feelings/emotions. It is important to add, no feeling or emotion is bad (shameful). Dr. Gloria Willcox writes in her excellent book, Feelings Converting Negatives to Positives:
“…the objective is help…identify healthy and unhealthy emotions and to
facilitate the process of converting unwanted (negative) feelings into desirable (positive) ones…
Sad to Joyful
Mad to Powerful
Scared to Peaceful.” Morris Publishing, Kearney, NE, 2001, pg. 21.
By identifying whether feelings/emotions are appropriate in a situation can lead us to God’s restorative work within us by HIS Holy Spirit:
“…the fruit of the [Holy] Spirit [the work which HIS presence within accomplishes] is
love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control…” Galatians 5.22-23
The more positive we feel, along with changed beliefs based on God‘s Words, the healthier our relating is with others.
3. Control means to manage, organize influence, and direct. Control means to scheme, to calculate in order to dominate. Controlling is learned behavior that gives a false sense of artificial worth, and temporary power. Controllers use:
Wit and humor to impress.
Knowledge and admirable communication to win acceptance.
Sarcasm to cut down others.
Pleasing others to win affirmation and temporary security.
Praise or anger to get others to do what I want them to do.
Acclaim or condemnation to manipulate others.
Withdrawal so that others will feel sorry for me.
Dictating to gain a temporary, but false sense of power (energy).
However, there is never enough control to gain healthy, permanent worth. When we experience unhappiness in ourselves, or others, instinctively control’s demands increase. As you and I know demands backfire. Demands cause others to become agitated and aggravated, effecting our lack of worth, inciting our passive-aggressive swing.
“…have to be perfect to please… but you aren’t… so its my job to inform you.”
The aggressive side is a subtle form of controlling anger. Anger is a strong emotional reaction resulting from a sense of being wronged, threatened, or hurt. It can grow into resentment, like scar tissue covering a wound debilitating function. Because many cannot identify, accept, or acknowledge feelings, especially anger, they mask with:
a. Numbing anger: acting like anger doesn’t exist.
b. Busy anger: suppressing anger with superficial relating and a frenzy of activities.
c. Covering anger: pretends happiness by taking charge to cover inner pain that lies beneath anger.
d. Self anger: thinking and saying degrading, and horrible things to one’s self.
e. Excusing anger: covering anger by excusing another’s offensive [unpleasant, insulting] unsuitable
[inappropriate, improper, incompatible] behaviors.
f. Displaced anger: placing anger about a person onto things, and/or others.
g. Guilt anger: covertly and manipulatively making others feel responsible and/or remorseful.
h. Outburst anger: exploding stuffed anger, unconnected and out of proportion to current
situation.
i. Self-pitying anger: manipulating others to caretake me, or rescue me, to enables me to stay in
my sickness.
caretake is to do for another what they can do for themselves
enable is to remove, soften, hide consequences resulting from another’s harmful behaviors
rescue is to set free, and deliver, to play the part of God’s Holy Spirit
These destructive uses of anger have no hope of gaining worth. They suppress God’s Holy Spirit, cause personal, and interpersonal relational problems. The person who struggles with anger eventually has the following problems:
Tension, intolerance, frustration, aggression, sarcasm,
procrastination, tiredness, lateness, boredom, irritability,
rigidity, addiction (usually prescription, over-the-counter and/or food),
burnout, sexual difficulty, depression, and suicidal thoughts.
“I’m terribly unhappy. Try to guess what’s wrong with me.”
The passive side people please others to gain worth, thriving on winning approval. They believe:
I must be and do right to be acceptable.
I must obey to be loved.
I have to be perfect.
I should do anything for anybody at anytime.
I’ve ‘got’ to anticipate, and do what (I think) others might want.
Passive people are easily manipulated. They are vigilant [watchful, observant, attentive, heedful], ready to react to another’s expression [facial, including tone, and gesture]. They are ready to meet what they perceive [supposed, seeming, alleges][s] to be the other person’s wants and needs, dreams and desires. Passive people also make comparisons relying on other’s opinions and responses:
I wish you’d…then Suzy would…then they would see…
If you helped like your sister…then so and so would…
If only you had been there…I needed you to…
Why did you wear that? This is what they’re wearing now.
I can’t wait to tell my friends, they’ll be impressed with your friend...
If you would…then I could…
You must…should…have to…
Furthermore, the passive person discounts neglect and abuse. If there is any hint of unhappiness in another person a passive person will ignore controlling or manipulative behaviors. Their overwhelming thirst for acceptance keeps them coming back despite mistreatment.
Additionally, when a passive person registers another’s unhappiness, real or imagined,[t] they feel “Guilt!” and:
…focus on self-condemnation = “I’m unworthy.”
…deal in loss of esteem or value = “What will others think.”
…producing fear of punishment = “Now I’m going to get it.”
…resulting in false pride = “I’m so bad nobody can love me.”
…which leads to depression = “I am just no good, a rotten person.”
Guilt alienates in two ways:
1) It internalizes as embarrassment, disgrace, dishonor, and degradation. It can culminate as shame, “I‘m bad!” Guilt and shame can bond together producing depression, bitterness, and self pity, “I’m just no good!” Self pity turns inward to nurse personal hurts, build grudges, and reject others, rather than seeking Jesus’ ripped and torn body for healing.t The loss is God’s grace and peace within.
2) Guilt and shame also drive a person further from the one who wronged them, “I can never face them again!!” Distance falsely protects the offended, preventing either party from working through any relational conflict to resolution and restoration. Separation puts the guilt carrier into a prison of unforgiveness.[u] They experience the loss of love, as hate hovers nearby preparing to step in and take love’s place.
Recovery recognizes the passive or aggressive behaviors. With recognition a person can eventually identify hidden hurts or wounds and the external triggers that ignite passive/aggressive tendencies. With the ability to identify one can begin to discipline behaviors and lay the wounds upon Jesus’ ravaged back.
But HE was wounded for our transgressions. HE was bruised for our guilt’s and iniquities; the chastisement [needful to obtain] peace and well-being for us was upon HIM, and with the stripes [that wounded] HIM we are healed and made whole.
By HIS stripes you are healed Jesus HIMSELF took your infirmities and bore your sickness and has made you whole. He took the punishment, and that made us whole. Through HIS bruises we get healed.
Isaiah 53.5 Amplified & Message
Before Jesus, God in human form, went to the Cross to take care of our sin separation, HE allowed HIS body to be ravaged with a leather whip laced with sharpen bone. HE did this for the very wounds to our soul and heart, our eternal man. Not only did HE come to take our sin, HE came to restore our inner eternal man to the creative intent of God the Creator.
God’s Blessings to You, Gayle
[1] Scripture: Matthew 15.18-19.
[e] For we are God’s [own] handiwork (HIS workmanship), recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths, which HE prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life HE prearranged and made ready for us to live.] Ephesians 2.9-10 [Amp.].
[f] Pleasing man, rather than pleasing God, comes from attempting to satisfy our own lack of identity (emptiness). It’s the antithesis [direct opposite] of fearing [revering, awe] of God, and HIS Presence exemplified in Christ Jesus (Ephesians 1.22]. Pleasing man is our effort to please ourselves. Galatians 1.10; Luke 1.50 ; Proverbs 1.7.
[2] Scripture: Galatians 6.2.
[3] Families Practical Advice From More Than 50 Experts. Developing Family Values, Parents as Leaders. Moody Press, Chicago, Ill, 1991, pgs. 191-200.
[g]Conflict = at odds, disagreement, differences, contradiction, discord. Conflict in an unhealthy family causes valuelessness and insecurities in children. Conflict in healthy families establishes honor and confidence within each family member, no matter their age, producing no need for worshipping something or someone else. The result of conflict: either returning to former coping defense mechanisms (flesh and idolatry); or, utilizing conflict by applying The Words of God to our situation, to grow toward wisdom [James 1.2-5], and maturity [1 John the 5 stages of growth found in our Crisis article].
[h] honor = seeing and treating one another as precious, valuable, with respect. Vine’s Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words. Barbour and Company, Inc. New Jersey, 1952.
[i]security = earnest forethought, to understand and regard with diligence and earnest affection, producing savor [enjoyment, delight, taking pleasure in, appreciation, value] and satisfaction within, giving certainty, assurance resulting in health, soundness, and wholeness in each family member. Knowing and feeling safe and protected, producing in every family member the ability to take full command and rule over their own life without anxiety. Derived from the Latin word cura, meaning to care. The family is a place of refuge, a sanctuary, providing sufficient provision while carefully looking, watching out for, giving attention to, and tending to one another.
[j]Fused parent-child relationship: Son Jacob’s identity is suffocated by his mother Rebekah. Genesis Chapter 27.
[k]Absence of parental emotional attachment: Daughter Tamar, raped by her half-brother, is ignored by her father David. 2 Samuel Chapter 13.
[4] Families Practical Advice From More Than 50 Experts. Developing Family Values, Parents as Leaders. Moody Press, Chicago, Ill, 1991, pgs. 191-200.
[l]Unable to from deep attachments: David, youngest son of Jesse, was given the least respected job in his family, and was mocked by his siblings. As King of his Nation, David demonstrated the chaos of quick gratification, and the lack of personal responsibility when committing adultery, later murdering to cover up his sin. 2 Samuel Chapter 11.
[5] Gloria Willocx. The Feeling Wheel. Win-Win Team Publishing, St. Luke’s United Methodist Church, P.O. Box St. Petersburg, FL.
[s]Perception is a form of mind reading, tying to figure out what the other person is thinking and feeling. It is not based on listening, inquiry, or fact finding. Perception makes a quick judgment, attempts to influence the other person based on perception’s own beliefs, opinions, experiences, and biases. When disagreed with, perception judges, blames, criticizes, and condemns.
[t]The mirror reflection: in the Garden of Eden God made man to be a mirror reflection of HIS love Genesis 1.26-27. Consequently, man was to become the mirror refracting God’s love to others. When sin entered, Genesis Chapter 3, God did not change man’s mirror reflection DNA. Thus, whenever we are upset, resentful, or reactive to another person we are either seeing something in them that we do not like in ourselves, or they are, unknowingly, a reminder to an unseen inner wound from our past.
[u] “For if you forgive people their trespasses [their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go and giving up resentment], your Heavenly Father will also forgive you.” Matthew 6.14 [Amp.]
God’s Blessings to You, Gayle
