Seeking Approval
By Gayle Hoone
An approval seeker needs constant admiration. They look for external validation, someone to authenticate them. They need frequent recognition, someone to praise them. Their life is wrapped around seeking another’s esteem [regard, and value].
Symptoms of approval seeking:
mind reads others so as to assume what it is they want
buys affection, lavishes others with gifts
attempts to manage other’s impressions of them
embellishes to impress others
remains loyal to extreme, even if loyalty proves unwarranted
despite condemnation continues seeking the association
bankrupts self by people pleasing for other’s acceptance
withdraws and isolates to recuperate
fears authority figures, but secretly seeks their approval
fears disapproval and criticism, yet will seek their endorsement
lacks confidence, inner value, worth, and significance
discounts own appearance and personality
abandons own identity and becomes a chameleon
*************************************************************************************************
A Story: As a child Mary lived with her mother, herself a product of divorce (an emotionally detached adulterous father, and an alcoholic mother). Mary’s father divorced her mother when
Mary was an infant, distancing himself physically and financially. Mary’s mother spent many hours
teaching Mary vocabulary, science, and more, but periodically would leave her alone. Mary
learned to some extend to fend for herself. We met Mary as a preteen. She was malnourished
and undersized. Though Mary’s mother pampered her with gifts, books, pets, toys, clothes,
her mother also verbally and physically abused her. Childhood was not one of normalcy,
experimenting learning experiencing, but the impossible job of trying to ‘make mommy
happy.’ Thus, Mary lived in a confused environment of mixed messages: ‘I love you
(pampering)… go away (rejection, abandonment).’ As with any child, Mary attempted to
please her mother. But, when she could not Mary internalized ‘it must be my fault.’ Mary
was removed from her mother’s care as a preschooler, and placed with her father. Her father
was also a product of divorce. Though Mary’s father was not abusive, he often worked late,
and systemically verbalized life as negative. Problems were always someone else’s fault. As a
teenager Mary tried to please both mother and father. She quietly listened to her mother’s
condemning guilt: ‘you don’t love me’; ‘you’re making me sick…’ Though Mary struggled
with severe anxiety and panic, when visiting her mother, she forced herself to attempt to meet
her mother’s assorted emotional needs. Despite Mary’s complains about her mother, she did
whatever she thought would make her happy to gain approval. Mary also took on the role of
confidant to her father, advising him about employment, finances, health, relationships, and
women. Roles were reversed. She covertly believed that her father’s approval came from
being his ‘little helper.’ Consequently, Mary worried about her father. However, Mary
secretly became frustrated about their un-kept, unclean apartment. Mary was ashamed of her
living conditions. She rarely brought friends home. Mary found unconditional acceptance
in her growing menagerie of animals.
Not every one can relate to Mary’s entire story. But, within her story there may be some markers of approval seeking that you might identify with.
Approval seekers consistently pattern their lives around what they perceive will cause others to accept, approval, and hopefully love them. As a result, approval seekers are out of touch with their own feelings. Though filled with fears and insecurities, they mask them by explaining and excusing the behaviors of those around them. Approval seekers work hard managing their own and others impressions. They will remain loyal to extremes, even in the midst of a toxic (poisonous) relationship.
Toxic relationship: distort other’s perceptions
manipulates and twists the truth
confuses the other person
makes fun of them in front of others
mocks the other person
makes them look bad
discounts other’s thoughts and feelings
maneuvers and contrives facts
ignores and neglects the other person
sabotages the other person’s efforts
Here’s the Good News…you do not have to live a life of constant frustration resulting from your attempts to seek man‘s approval so as to dispel your inner fears. It will take some work on your part. But, if you are willing, lets begin:
1. identify your own behaviors that seek approval and validation from others
2. accept that approval seeking stems from an inner need that no man can satisfy
3. do not condemn yourself for your inner need of value, confidence, and purpose
4. understand that inner needs can cause us to reject and abandon our God given identity; we
become ashamed of ourselves which exasperates and increases our approval seeking
5. begin to identify your inner need that’s prompting approval seeking: insecurities, inadequacies,
fears of failure, and success, fears of judgment and criticism, fear of man (especially authority)
6. now take, one at a time, an inner need to The Lord Jesus Christ. In the morning ask HIM to lay
HIS stripes upon that need delivering you Isaiah 53.5. Now ask HIM to fill you with a
replacement love, joy, and peace Galatians 5.22-24. This is the value (or honor) HE desires in
you. It will produce eventually, over time, give you inner security, and confidence.
Note: Isaiah is in the Old Testament, which points to the New testament that fulfills the Old Testament.
Testament means Covenant. Covenant in our language means The Promise from God that cannot
be un-kept or broken. Periodically visit the Bible Blip page for more information on God’s Words,
and HIS Promises.
7. Now read all of Isaiah 53 noting, before Jesus died on the Cross for our sin-separation, HIS
body was whipped (the whip was woven with sharpen bone or rock) and ravaged. [devastated,
damaged and ruined]. These wounds HE bore were for the healing of our inner man [heart and
soul]. Not only did God become man to pay the ransom price for separation, HE was raised
from the dead to restore our inner identity via HIS Holy Spirit and HIS Words. But, read further
noting the payoff promises toward the end of this chapter.
By-the-way if you have never asked Jesus Christ to save you, so that you can live forever with God maybe its time, here’s how…
Simply confess that you are separated from God, that’s called sin, and that you chose to believe that Jesus Christ came from Heaven as a man to die a horrible death on a Cross to take care of your sin-separation. State that you chose to accept and believe (faith) that Christ was raised from the dead and lives to give you eternal life. Now ask Jesus to forgive you of your sin(s), and to come into your spiritual heart to take resident within you by HIS Holy Spirit, who fills and seals you as the promise of eternal life. Now, it would be important to ask HIM to teach you how to be a believer and follower, to make HIS Words (Bible) alive to you, and to show you your purpose here on earth until you enter eternity. Thank HIM. Amen, which means, so be it, it is finished.
Some things to ponder…
Realize: I can not earn God’s approval, so I that is the sin nature called the old man dies to the laws, i.e.. approval seeking beliefs and behaviors, so that I might live for God. In other words, I that is the sin nature has been crucified with Christ. I myself no longer live but Christ lives in me with my God created identity (inner man). So, I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God who loved me and gave HIMSELF for me…I am convinced that nothing can separated me from Christ’s love…Galatians 2.19b-20; Romans 8.39
Our purpose: to please God not people 1 Thessalonians 2.4b
So: stop putting your trust in mere humans… Isaiah 2.22
don’t put your confidence in powerful people… Psalms 146.3
man’s disapproval means nothing…they don’t have God’s love within them John 5.41-42
Know this: God loves you, now its time to accept HIS love and begin to love yourself with HIS
love, then you won’t need to seek man’s approval. The interesting result, you will
already know and experience approval from within.
God’s Blessings to You, Gayle
