Wonder What's Normal
By Gayle Hoone
Wonder what’s normal…
When we grow up in dysfunction, life becomes a question mark. We guess at what’s normal. Our life is a paradox [inconsistent and contradictory]. We tend to withdraw and isolate because of inexplicable fears, yet are drawn to excitement, sometimes to and making chaos. We either are overly responsible compulsively bankrupting ourselves through performance and perfectionism, or irresponsibly overwhelmed by life’s seemingly simple, but to us, complicated tasks. We do not know how to interact or relate with others. Secretly we watch others to learn how to imitate life. And, act or react to facial expressions and tones confusing love with piety, loving others we can pity. We are terrified of rejection and abandonment, and fear anyone in authority. Thus, we feel guilty if we stand up for ourselves, but will stand up for the rights of others. We spend an inordinate amount of our time attempting to mind-read others, mentally rehearsing preparing for, or re-rehearsing in the aftermath conversations, circumstances, and events. We will do whatever we think will please another person. And, if they aren’t appreciative we take offense. And, tend to nurse the offense for months. We are in denial about the effects of our dysfunctional (the effects of generational sin Exodus 20.5) upbringing. This does not mean we have the right to blame. It does mean we have the responsibility to face our own issues and recover.
Dysfunctional families are closed systems that give unspoken messages” ‘don’t trust your feelings,’ therefore, ‘don‘t feel,’ ‘don’t talk about feelings period,’ and ‘don’t reveal family secrets,’ therefore, ‘don’t rock the boat with feelings or opinions.’ Rules are to be assumed, understood though unspoken. Just when a child thinks they know the rule, somehow it changes.
Note: it is estimated that today’s youth grow up with 1400 rules that often differ one from the other.
Those who can guess at the ever-changing rules gain a false sense of worth, and superiority. Though they often become controlling, sometimes abusive, they’re rewarded. As a result, alliances form, acceptance of one family member while emotionally (if not physically) abandoning or rejecting another.
Note: today’s youth seek attachment but distrust closeness, consequently make attempts to control.
Children are told what to do, not queried, nor taught. Consequently, children learn quickly to not disagree, to avoid conflict, to please no matter the cost. Though skeptical, as an adolescent they will attempt to control in an effort to gain the needed sense of security and value.
Note: today’s children take-on various coping roles to find position and purpose.
Coping roles are a way a child attempts to find identity, while trying to keep the family together. God intended a family to be a life long unit of unity and harmony, each member experiencing distinction as well as honor and wellbeing. Dysfunction breeds disharmony and fragmentation. Consequently, a child unconsciously and instinctively seeks to complete what’s missing.
Coping roles: Hero = produces goodness, tries to care for the family
Scapegoat = acts out, draws attention away from the dysfunction, pulling parents together
Mascot = defuses tension with humor, attempts to dispel family explosions
Lost = makes no waves, causes no friction, gives no worry
Pampered = the baby, no matter their age, draws family members together to dote
Abused = recycles repeating what seems normal, abuse, internally and externally
Note: today’s society suffers from a lack of integrity, morality, and ethics.
Dysfunctional families give the message ‘you are bad’ if a family member doesn’t measure-up to whatever it is they’re suppose to measure-up to. Dysfunctional families deny, ignore, or are ignorant to the fact that children don’t know how to meet unwritten, unspoken, ever-changing ideologies.
Note: manners [etiquette, protocol, conduct] are lost; we live in a “its all about me” society.
Children of dysfunction grow up stuffing feelings which eventually become frozen. Children of dysfunction experience discounted instincts that turn into distorted perceptions. Children of dysfunction internalize humiliation causing external attempts for happiness and fulfillment. Seemingly their God given identity has been shattered, and God’s intended purpose for them is lost.
As adults they find it difficult to have fun. They tend to be anxious, and/or depressed. They are guilt prone, and/or shame (I’m bad) based. They seek interpersonal relationships similar to their family of origin, because its familiar, and instincts demand resolution. They look for, are drawn to, yet reject unconditional acceptance, esteem, security, i.e., healthy moral love. Rejection and abandonment are their familiar companions, and are not easily given up. They distrust others, yet seek their approval, oblivious to mistreatment. Toxic relationships seem normal.
Toxic relations = in the beginning flatters and pampers
may seem helpless, submissive, easy going, or passive at first
adjusts to fit your personality
draws energy from you, draining you, to gain a temporary euphoria
covertly uses you to be the medicine for their inner wounds
subtly feeds on your vulnerabilities
becomes more and more obsessed with themselves and their past hurts
demands subtly increase
becomes offended and blames you for their……
begins to demean [humiliates, puts down, disgraces] you
becomes more and more dishonest and manipulating
attempts to control and/or dominate you
when all else fails finds another relationship
while you are reeling from the roller coaster ride questioning ‘What did I do wrong?’
We are more apt to seek mental health services, rather than God’s mercy, grace, compassion, and lovingkindness, than any other segment of society.
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Personal Normalcy
One Step One Day at a Time
Love others as you love yourself [with God’s love].
James 2.8 Message
accept yourself - learn to love yourself with God’s love not the world’s love
we are bankrupt without God’s love
how you treat yourself is how you will treat others
incorporate some self-care - into your daily routine but don’t indulge or pamper
Bible: our body is like God’s Temple treat it with dignity
a little nutrition, exercise, bathing, brushing, and sleep
if not married its sexual abstinence
find some wholesome fun camping, reading, sketching, etc.
One Step One Day at a Time
work hard and cheerfully at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord and not people…the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward
Colossians 3.23-24 New Living
clean up your spaces - how you keep your room, home, car speaks volumes on how you feel about you
organize - give away what you don’t use or need
be a good steward of your finances pay your bills and stop unnecessary spending
the gains of this world will not go into eternity with you
learn good work ethics – employers look for people who will benefit the company
be on time, don’t leave early, give a little extra
do your job, quit complaining,
find strategies that will improve your position
reward the company and God will reward you
One Step One Day at a Time
Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing they way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect HIS will really is Romans 12.2
take control of your thoughts - stop judging and/or criticizing yourself or others
judgment and criticism cover wounds
blaming others loses friends
discover how your mind thinks then change the thought
build a constructive and positive picture in your mind
find something good to think about
now discipline your thoughts to think on the good
forgive: forgiveness doesn’t mean ignoring another’s behavior…
forgiveness frees you to move on
it means giving up being offended and resentful, like eating poisonous
ask yourself this question: what has God through the Cross of Jesus forgiven you?
forgiveness means stop focusing on the wrongs and start focusing on what’s right
One Step One Day at a Time
…you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day. Why don’t you choose to be led by the Holy Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions… Galatians 5.17 Message
feelings are not facts – feelings are usually based on the past triggered by the present
you can keep you feelings alive by focus-feeding on them or…
take in the facts of the moment and your feelings will change
note: are you are you trying to numb feelings with food, alcohol,
drugs, cigarettes, TV, computer, games, shopping, more…
face your feelings, find a good counselor/mentor to help you work
through them to love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness, and self control from the Holy Spirit
Relationship Normalcy
Let each of you esteem and look upon and be concerned for not merely (only, simply) his own interest but also each for the interest of others.
Philippians 4.2 Amplified
Which do you want: passerby, acquaintance, co-worker, associate, neighbor, family, friend, confidant,
mentor, emotional intimacy?
Relationships are not what’s portrayed on television, in videos, on DVDs, in the movies, and books. Not every person can be my friend. Not every person will be my confident or mentor. Emotional intimacy requires vulnerability. It takes time, investment, and working through conflict, that is each person’s own heart issue. Relationships take an immense amount of energy.
Our fears of being hurt, the wounds within, usually prevent us from seeking healthy people. Healthy people illuminate our own feelings of inferiority, insecurity, and inadequacy. We seem insignificant and small around them. It seems easier to seek the unhealthy, the familiar, the dysfunctional. We feel temporarily superior, and in control, though the fix is toxic. So, eventually we move on to find another “friend,” relationship after relationship never finding the emotional intimacy we need.
What’s healthy:
- walks their talk: a general theme of words and behaviors that match, there is no dichotomy
- honesty: truth builds trust, but truth doesn’t dump blame, truth faces one’s own issues
- security: works toward a sense of confidence, so guardedness and wariness diminish, disappear
- communication: listens and respects, communications without blame, lets the other person in
- reality: doesn’t deny emotions, or ignores problems, nor needs to tiptoe around the other person
- willingness: to be real and become vulnerable themselves, reveals dreams, secrets, hopes, etc.
- holds close to the chest: knows there are times when revealing, discussing all, isn’t beneficial
- confidential: keeps confidences, is not a gossip
- friendship: sticks it out no matter what, without exploiting the other for gain
- solutions: wants to work toward resolution, rather than dwell on the problem
- gives: moves away from self and immerses with interest in the other person
- freedom: to be who you are, whether up or down you know are acceptable to them
- plays: learns to laugh, without mocking, and have fun together
- space: trust and emotional intimacy allows for space apart from one another
- unity and harmony: allows for learning from one another, accepting advise, receives correction
- sacrifice: lets go of demands, gives up personal rights, serving one another
We will become like those we associate with. Who do you hang around?
Whoever walks with the wise will be wise;
whoever walks with the fools will suffer harm…
A man sharpens the countenance of his friend…
There are ‘friends’ who destroy each other, but
a real friend sticks closer than a brother
Proverbs 13.20; 27.17; 18.24 Contemporary & LivingBibles
Out of respect for Christ be courteously reverent [respectful] to one another.
Ephesians 5.21
God’s Blessings to You, Gayle
