Do you ever daydream about someone other than your mate?

Are you drawn to romantic books and movies?

Are you looking for love through sex?

1) Infidelity = can come from boredom, because much is never enough wealth, power, success, position, titles…its about entitlement “I” deserve [am accustom] to having…and its about acquisitions getting who and what “I” want….pursuing new and exciting experiences…

temporary payoffs:  secrecy, hiding, and lying causes excitement, a mystery, temporarily producing a high similar to the drug cocaine, but more is never enough

consequences:  destroys trust and relationships in families, with friends, even with the one the adultery is committed…leaves behind a trail of wounded people… never satisfies causing the adulterer to move from one affair to another…the high makes demands for more…the results are often depression and guilt…yet the adulterer will become defensive if confronted with the facts, they will claim, “I have certain needs”

The man who commits adultery is an utter fool, for he destroys his own soul Proverbs 6.32

2) Loneliness = is a yearn to be accepted and loved…loneliness is usually not the aggressor…yet, they consciously or unconsciously send signals to others ‘I’m lonely and available’…often a loner is a victim of emotional or sexual depravation in childhood…they were robbed of identity, value, and esteem early on in life

temporary payoffs: any type of acceptance provides a false sense of value, sex says ‘he/she loves me,’ ‘I’m worth something,’ ‘see I’m somebody’

consequences: often this person is exploited, used only for sex, or money, and is vulnerable to sexual and financial predators

No other sin so clearly affects the body…sexual immorality is a sin against your own body

1 Corinthians 6.18

3) Frustration = comes from poor communication, sweeping issues under the proverbial rug, causing a growing dissatisfaction…frustrated looks for someone to provide their happiness…to be listened to, commiserated with, conciliated, agreed with, soothed and satisfied

temporary payoffs:  he or she listens to me, they care for and about me!!!

consequences: the married couple slowly turns away from one another causing distance in their relationship…this results in a growing estrangement in the home igniting a seeking for a listener with a sympathetic ear…this person usually cycles and recycles, over and over, the same scenario: ‘my husband (or wife) doesn’t listen,’ ‘they don’t understand me’

Do not covet your neighbor’s wife Exodus 20.17

Do you watch sex in movies, on tv, in videos, dvd’s, or the web?

Do you buy magazines to look at nudity or read sexually explicit articles?

Are you talking to others on the web about sex?

Do you go to clubs and bars to watch nude dancers?

4) Needy = emotionally reaches for substitutes when emotional needs are not met…they feel they are never taken seriously…they feel no one cares…they emotionally look for acceptance person after person…often they point to a self-absorbed spouse when they themselves are self-absorbed…they have many forms of self-pity and resentments, and like frustration they recycle their emotional neediness with one person after another      

temporary payoffs: there is always someone who will pay attention either to gain a sexual liaison (victim conquering), or to be the one who can ‘fix’ needy’s broken emotions (codependent meeting their own needs)

consequences: emotional needs can never totally be met by another person…needy wanders through life and through relationships attempting to medicate emotional wounds, acquiring more and more emotional needs…they remain weak willed and needy stacking up a history of failed relationships  

weak will woman

Our bodies were not made for sexual immorality. They were made for The Lord and The Lord cares about our bodies 1 Corinthians 6.13

5) Anger = argues, blames, bangs, shouts, slams, and throws things eventually demanding sex…often they will use the Biblical word “submission” to manipulate…or, use sex to placate their victim-mate following anger’s outbursts…they demand control over money, children and animals, outside activities including telephone conversations and social relations, and events…they mentally and verbally intimidate and humiliate …they will interrogate often in the middle of the night…they can escalate to using physically force and abuse (domestic violence) and then use sex to placate and confuse their victim…its about power and control

temporary payoffs:  gains power and control over another human temporarily satisfied like the power of the drug heroin…but there is never enough power and control, like the drug it wears off…anxiety builds and for no reason, instantly the abuse beings again

consequences: over time the victim develops a belief “it must be me, if I do such and such then he (or she) will be happy…domestic violence causes a victim to question their instincts and their sanity which masks the truth…they often say, ‘he doesn’t mean it’ ‘I just have to change’…the victim practices adjusting their life, their thoughts to pleasing the abuser…but, the victimizer continues to escalate denying his or her own behavior by blaming the victim for the abuse ‘you made me do this…’

anger gives a mighty foothold to the devil Ephesians 4.27

6) Business travel = leaves no time for home, or relationships…there is little to no accountability…alone in a different city the traveler can be lonely and vulnerable…often they will meet someone in a bar or at dinner…they’re just looking for companionship…unfortunately a liaison ensues…they meet together for drinks and dinner trip after trip causing an out-of-town affair that may last for months, or years

temporary payoffs =  treats the loneliness of travel…looks forward to the excitement and mystery…has no lasting responsibilities…temporarily meets an emotional need...evolves into meeting physical needs…no one knows, so how can it hurt anyone… avoids the work of long term commitment…its just fun and laughter, nothing serious

consequences =  will lead to an inability to emotionally connect on a permanent basis…

looks only for fun and laugher, excitement and mystery in relationships whether temporary or permanent…brings eventual marital and relational (children) estrangement, if not ruin…

Anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart Matthew 5.28

Do you wonder who you are, male or female?

Do you believe you are homosexual or lesbian?

7) Self-preoccupation = its all about me…willfully ignores their mate’s needs, and the children needs…everyone and everything revolves around them:

                                        narcissistic:  extremely self-centered…lacks empathy, unable to recognize pain in others…has an exaggerated sense of one’s own importance…fantasizes about their own power, success, and brilliance…idealizes love, believing they deserve special favors…entitlement…shows no inclination to return affection or love…manipulates sex…in the beginning frequently is charming and persuasive, projecting a very convincing image of caring and self-sacrificing…the opposite is true, once involved self centeredness demands… typical are multiple affairs, sometimes several at the same time

                                        sociopathic:  much like narcissists is very selfish and uncaring …they lack empathy…quickly rationalize their own sins by shifting the blame onto another… unreliable… untruthful…unpredictable…insincere…having little or no plan for their lives… are virtually without conscience…are unable to feel guilt…                                         

payoffs: there is no temporary pay off for the narcissist or sociopath…they are their own pay off, the most important of persons…they gain everyone’s attention and approval…they are so brilliant they direct others on how to run their lives, business, ministry…they are their own goal…they are the center…they are always on top of their game

consequences: they must always look good on the outside, fooling those who do not live with them into thinking they are the most wonderful, caring, and giving of persons…they move from person to person to be seen as the most successful, brilliant, and important of persons…they conquer and when used up discard…and leave many in the dust with their self-preoccupation…both the narcissist and sociopath are exploitative, and predatory, with an uncanny ability to spot potential victims who are emotionally vulnerable… they will choose to marry the most beautiful, the most handsome, but not the most brilliant or successful which would distract and divert from their being the center of life

…husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife…so again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself.

Ephesians 5.28-33

8) Gender confusion: at about eighteen months a baby begins their search for sexual identity…at five they determine their sexual identity…without property training during puberty they will explore their sexuality…television, video’s, magazines, dvd’s, the web, schools, and families often teach or demonstrate that any sexual activity is acceptable…the young mind and instinct of a child, or teen, becomes twisted…when the innocent are exposed to societies sexual exploits:

                                    homosexuality:  experience conflicting views of themselves…I’ve always felt different…emotionally confused…dislikes own gender usually surfacing in childhood…as a child the same-gender parent is unavailable (absent or detached), or controlling, and/or humiliates the child…or the opposite-gender parent’s mannerisms over compensates (comforts), and/or pampers (indulges) to the point of confusing or depriving the child of their gender identity…looks for same-gender love to replaced that which was missing in childhood…sexually exploited, molested or abused in childhood, or as a teen, by the same-gender

                                     lesbianism =  can come from similar circumstances as the homosexual…in childhood and adolescence no female to demonstrate femininity…as a child discounted, humiliated or abused by a mother figure…mother a workaholic, alcoholic/drug addict…as a child identifies with male roles more than female roles…in childhood when craving normal attention develops male mannerisms for acceptance…growing denial of own gender identity…confuses feminine nurturing needs with eroticism Adolescence is often the cross roads for gender identity, causing experimentation with homosexuality, this may result from:  labeled he a sissy, she a tomboy…has opposite-gender interests… prefers opposite-gender playmates…dislikes traditional same-gender play or games…parents wanted (expressed covertly or overtly) opposite-gender child…as a child dressed in opposite-gender clothes… weak relationship with same-gender parent…difficulty forming opposite-gender date relations… molested by the same-gender as a child, or sexually experiments with same-gender as adolescent…temps, teases, or punishes opposite-gender with homosexual tendencies cross-dressing:  comes from the feel of the clothes of an opposite-gender when they comfort an abused or humiliated child… cross dressing results from being demeaned by the same-gender parent, finding comfort with the opposite-gender parent…presents to the public same-gender persona…but at home and with close friends dresses in opposite-gender clothes…cross-dressing gains a sense of the opposite-gender parental acceptance and love, while publicly living as same-gender parent for acceptance and love temporary payoffs:  a sense of identity…a sense of belonging…acceptance and love…sense of clarity…a sense of empowerment…                

consequences:  exploitation and degradation…rejection and abandonment…abusive relationship after abusive relationship…sexually transmitted diseases…can become repulsed with own genitalia leading to transgender changes (medications, eventual surgery)

God created people in HIS own image; God patterned them after HIMSELF; male and female HE created them. God blessed them and told them multiply and fill the earth and subdue it.

Genesis 1.27-28

9) Sexual abuse: sexually touching (molesting) a child…adults walking around scantily clad…adults making jokes about body parts and genitalia…using foul and sexually explicit language…watching and reading pornography…incest (sex with a child)…rape, date rape, marital rape (forcible sex)…not honoring a person’s no…manipulating anyone including a mate to perform various acts…an adult selling a child or a teen for sex…manipulating an adult into prostitution

temporary payoffs:  power and control…chemical highs…money…acceptance…twisted love

consequences:  devastates…wounds, and scares the victim who either becomes promiscuous or frigid…can be exploited into swap parties, illicit sex, and much much more…when a child or youth is sexually touched they become confused, their soul distains the touch while their body responds…the victim usually believes they’re only worth is found in sex molestation, incest, rape, and the like usually begin with fantasies, and the use of pornography…the involved person will reach a point when they begin to think about performing those acts for a greater thrill…fetishes emerge:  use of mirrors (voyeurism) in stores…apologetically bumping into and sexually touching a stranger…phone sex…photographing live nudes…window peeking… exposing themselves (exhibitionism) …the acts soon become more intense and dangerous (perversion) producing extreme acts that not only exploit the innocent, but abuse, harm, and kill…this person has crossed the line and has no sense of conscious…evil has completely taken over…there is little to no solution, but prison and/or death

…something so evil… 1 Corinthians 5.1 (Leviticus Chapters 18 & 20)

The acts of the flesh or sin nature are: 

“Its is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time:  repetitive, loveless, cheap sex: a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness…paranoid loneliness…all consuming yet never satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone…uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions…I could go on.” Galatians 5.19-21 The Message

Sin is the separation between God and man…sin is like someone trying to hit the bulls eye on a target, to perfectly satisfy desire through human efforts…sexual sins bring confusion, and tear down the climate of respect, trust and credibility so essential for a solid marriage and secure children...healthy sex in a life long committed marriage represents the intimacy of God’s Covenant [Jeremiah 31.31] with mankind that HE will never leave us or forsake us…therefore HE prohibits:   

                         adultery Exodus 20.14

                         premarital sex 1 Corinthians 6.18; 1 Thessalonians 4.3

                         sexual sins against own body 1 Corinthians 6.13,18

                         homosexuality Leviticus 18.22; Romans 1.26-17; 1 Corinthians 6.9-10; 1 Timothy 1.9-10

God wants you to be holy (whole) so you should keep clear of all sexual sin. Then each of you will control your body and live in holiness and honor-not in lustful passion as the pagans do, in their ignorance of God and HIS ways. 1 Thessalonians 4.1-7

Did you know that God wants to bless you with HIS blessings? When we accept Jesus as our Savior and make HIM the Director of our lives HIS Words, from Acts 2 to the end of Revelation 5, will teach us what is best for us. Our fore-parents chose, by an act of their will to take the path of evil and destruction. This has effected every generation. But, God in HIS love sent HIS One and Only Son to pay the price and defeat evil and repair the separation and heal the destructions…won’t you ask Jesus to come into your heart and forgive you of your sins…won’t you change your mind and turn and run to God for HIS refreshing, leaving your sinful behaviors behind? 

Solutions…

sex is not evil but good and sacred, met for marriage between a man and woman

misuse and abuse of sex is when we take God’s design and turn it into evil

we take sex designed to teach us about God’s intimacy, and use it to satisfy our own lustful desires 

A.  break denial, take your sexual attitude inventory and look at the resulting consequences: 

1)  look back at how your parents handled sexual matters

2)  explore your attitudes about sex

3)  investigate the sexual influences in your life

4)  connect influences to patterns in your present life

5)  compare these patterns to God’s Words

…there is so much sexual immorality each man should have his own wife and each woman should have her own husband…1 Corinthians 7.1-9

B.  gain a clear understanding, a detailed informing about healthy sex intended for marriage:

1)     emotional stage is desire = follows the work of friendship and love which leads to marriage, a life- long commitment of a male and female engaging in the work of relationship building

2)     physical phase is excitement = includes the spiritual, and mental-emotional connections that lead to a physical union following the wedding ceremony

3)     plateau stage is experience = incorporates the physical which enhances the spiritual, mental, and emotional connections

4)     complete phase = ends the physical but not the spiritual, mental and emotional connections

5)     final phase = a growing joy, a deepening soul-love embracing individual differences

God created people in HIS own image; God patterned them after HIMSELF male and female HE created them…Genesis 1.27-28

C.  the following can compromise the beauty of a marital sexual union:

      1)  past sexual abuse

      2)  guilt and shame

      3)  sexual problems within the marriage

      4)  marital conflict and stress

      5)  poor physical functioning

Remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. HE will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can’t stand up against it. 1 Corinthians 10.13

Stop rationalizing and legitimatizing your sexual sins…look at the consequences resulting from sexual sin…get some professional help from a confidential mentor or counselor who has knowledge and experience in helping others to be free from sexual sins…

God’s Blessings to You, Gayle